What does it really mean to feel that we matter? In a world that often measures success through achievement, productivity and external recognition, it’s easy to lose touch with our own sense of meaning and worth. In my conversation with John R. Miles, four-time CEO, bestselling author and host of the Passion Struck podcast, we explore why mattering is fundamental to our well-being, how its absence affects us at work and in life, and what leaders can do to create environments where people feel genuinely valued.
When Success Doesn’t Feel Like Enough
John’s personal story is a powerful reminder that external success doesn’t always translate into internal fulfilment.
After building an impressive career as a Fortune 50 executive and four-time CEO, John found himself working long hours, travelling extensively and constantly striving to achieve more. From the outside, he had reached significant milestones. Internally, however, he was feeling increasingly disconnected.
A defining moment came when his young son asked him why he wasn’t laughing while the children were playing together. John realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had genuinely laughed.
It was a wake-up call. He had become so focused on proving his worth and achieving success that he had lost sight of what made life meaningful.
This experience led him to explore a concept he calls mattering: our fundamental need to feel that we are significant, valued and that our presence makes a difference.
Understanding the Mattering Gap
One of the most thought-provoking concepts John shares is the mattering gap.
This happens when we continually give our time, energy and effort without receiving the signals that help us feel valued in return. Over time, this creates what John calls the mattering tax: the gradual loss of energy and vitality that occurs when we don’t feel seen or appreciated.
John describes this as the “slow fade.” It rarely happens overnight. Instead, we gradually become less engaged, less fulfilled and less connected to ourselves and the people around us.
This can happen in our careers, relationships, families and communities. We may continue to show up and meet expectations, but underneath the surface, something important is missing.
It’s worth asking ourselves:
- Where in my life am I giving more than I am receiving?
- Do I feel seen and valued for who I am, not just what I do?
- Am I creating space for the things that give me energy and meaning?
The Six Conditions That Help Us Matter
John introduces the M.A.T.T.E.R. framework, which identifies six conditions that help restore our sense of mattering:
- Meaning: Feeling connected to something bigger than ourselves and understanding why what we do matters.
- Autonomy: Having the freedom and agency to make meaningful choices.
- Trust: Feeling psychologically safe, respected and able to be ourselves.
- Time: Having enough space to focus on what matters rather than being consumed by constant demands.
- Energy: Having the physical and emotional capacity to contribute and engage with life.
- Reciprocity: Experiencing a mutual exchange of care, recognition and value.
An important insight from John is that restoring these conditions starts within ourselves. When we begin to rebuild our own sense of mattering, we have more energy to connect, contribute and make a meaningful impact on others.
Why Mattering Matters in the Workplace
As leaders, we have an enormous influence on whether people feel valued or overlooked.
John shared a compelling example from his work at Lowe’s, where he helped turn around a group that had the lowest employee engagement in the organization. He discovered that people lacked a connection between their day-to-day work and the bigger picture. They didn’t feel they had the autonomy to influence outcomes, their voices weren’t being heard, bureaucracy was consuming their time, and their efforts weren’t being recognized.
Rather than simply asking people to perform better, John focused on restoring the conditions that would allow them to thrive.
He helped reconnect employees to the organization’s purpose, build trust, reduce unnecessary bureaucracy, create more space for meaningful work and restore recognition and support. Within two years, the group moved from the lowest to the second-highest employee engagement level in the company.
The lesson is an important one: engagement isn’t simply about asking people to care more. It’s about creating an environment where people have a reason and an opportunity to care.
From Servant Leadership to Gardener Leadership
One of my favourite parts of our conversation was John’s perspective on what he calls gardener leadership.
Traditional leadership often focuses on directing, managing and supporting people to achieve results. Gardener leadership takes a different approach. It focuses on creating the conditions that allow people to grow.
Think about what a gardener does. They create the right environment, provide the necessary nutrients, make sure there is enough space and allow the plants to develop. They don’t force growth. They create the conditions for it.
In the workplace, this means providing clear expectations, meaningful development opportunities, trust, autonomy and the space people need to do their best work.
John describes this approach as having “eyes on but hands off.” Leaders remain engaged and attentive while giving people the ownership and freedom to contribute.
This also requires a shift in how organizations measure performance. As John points out, we need to look beyond what people produce and consider what the system consumes to produce those results. There is a difference between extracting performance from people and creating the conditions for sustainable performance.
A More Human Approach to Leadership
This conversation feels particularly relevant as organizations navigate increasing change, technology and the growing influence of artificial intelligence.
As AI takes on more technical and routine tasks, the human qualities that help people connect, collaborate, think creatively and contribute meaningfully become even more important.
Leaders have an opportunity to rethink how they develop and engage their people. Rather than viewing employees simply as resources, we need to recognize the human potential within our organizations and create workplaces where people can genuinely thrive.
Ultimately, mattering is not just a workplace issue. It influences how we show up in our families, relationships and communities.
John’s message is a powerful one: we aren’t meant to spend our lives simply proving our worth or surviving our days. We deserve to feel that we matter, and we can take meaningful steps to restore that sense of significance in ourselves and the environments we create for others.
A question to reflect on: What is one thing you could change, either in your own life or as a leader, to help yourself or someone else feel that they truly matter?
About John R. Miles
John R. Miles is a four-time CEO, former U.S. Navy officer, bestselling author and host of the Passion Struck podcast. Through his work, he explores the connection between purpose, personal growth and human potential. His latest book, The Mattering Effect: Creating a Life of Meaning and Worth, examines how feeling that we matter shapes our lives, relationships and workplaces.
Learn more about John and his work here and connect on LinkedIn and Instagram.
Let’s Connect:
If this episode spoke to you, I’d love to hear from you!
And if you’re interested in exploring ways we can work together—through leadership coaching, team development, or speaking at your next event—please reach out. You can reach me at kristen@kristenharcourt.com
